It's been a rough season...

This one really rambles. I do hope after reading this you have been able to get the gist of it.

As I'm sure the majority of you know, Maggie plays softball. She truly loves the game. She is not a phenomenal player, but she is not bad, either. In the 4 seasons she has played, this has definitely been the worst. It started from the 1st practice. This year, she moved up to 10 & Under which is kid pitch. Last year, she played catcher, and did a really good job. At the first practice she approached the coach about catching. Next thing you know, another little girl is catching. The comment from one of the coaches: "This is nothing like 8 and Under. There is a lot of pressure on the catcher now." Well, heaven forbid we give a child a chance to see what she can and cannot do. Maggie has not been afforded the opportunity to see/show what she is capable of this year. They placed her in right field from day one, and that is where she has stayed. For those of you that do not know a lot about softball, in 10U, the ball RARELY makes it to right field. She has gotten her hands on the ball 1 (ONE) time during a game this year. Bless her heart, the ball has become her nemesis - she can hit it all day in a batting cage, but panics during a game. She has not hit the ball this season.

My sweet girl feels like she has been singled out all season. She definitely does not feel liked by her team, and I can completely see why she feels that way. Did I mention the fact that there have been numerous games where she sat in the dugout all but about 15 mins of a 1 hr. 15 min. game?

Now, of all things, the girl has decided she wants to learn to pitch. I was AMAZED the other night, after she forced me to catch for well over an hour. She can actually do it, and she LOVES it. She asked her coach to catch for her the other day, and the coach actually did. Her coach then called over the other coach to watch her. You have NO idea how much this did for my girl's self-esteem. It was a HUGE ego booster. Whether or not she gets to pitch in a game before the season ends in the next week-and-a-half remains to be seen. However, I will be hiring a pitching/fielding coach for her - aka my cousin (cheap labor).

This morning after contemplating all of this, I came to another one of my "revelations." The seasons of our lives, are just like Maggie's softball seasons. There are some really great seasons where we feel accomplished and proud, and then there are seasons where we are disappointed and feel pushed aside and sit alone in the "dugout" waiting for it to get better.

When Maggie started getting really discouraged, I went to Lifeway and purchased some little cards that are the size of a business card. They have Bible verses and inspirational messages on them. I also purchased her a pewter cross hat pin. She now wears the hat pin on her visor and has one of the cards in the top of her batting helmet. I also had a decal made for the back of her batting helmet "Phil. 4:13." I have even written that verse out on her arm before a game. All I can truly do is reassure her that next season will be better. So too does God's word reassure us that our next "season" will be better.

Back to my revelation. As I have read and re-read each of the cards I purchased for her, it hit me. I need to put into practice what these verses and inspirations say. Here I am trying to reassure and lift-up my child, and I am learning and have become blessed as well. It is in ministering to others that we will sometimes end up ministering to our toughest audience - ourselves.

The rough seasons make us stronger. The smooth seasons help us to enjoy life and all of His wonderful blessings. Just as each year has its seasons, so does each and every life. Some seasons are rough like the dead of winter or the sweltering heat of summer. Other seasons are easy and beautiful like the falling leaves in the fall and the blooming of flowers in the spring. Just like each season has its purpose, so do the seasons of our life. We may not understand the purpose, but He knows exactly what He has planned.

Looking Through the Viewfinder

For those you that do not know, I absolutely LOVE taking pictures of my kids. Capturing their proud and silly moments is one of my favorite hobbies. I am by no means great at it, but just good enough to love looking at their pictures. I always have my camera with me and around my neck at their baseball/softball games, getting pictures of them warming up, hitting the ball, standing in the field. I absolutely love it. I am constantly looking through the viewfinder and zooming in on those precious angels. The other night, it hit me. What am I missing when I am constantly looking through that viewfinder? Am I missing the bigger picture? If I had not been looking through the viewfinder the other night, I would have noticed the pitcher on Maggie’s team crying in the circle. A few weeks ago, I might have missed Matt standing on 1st base waving “Hi” to her coach when the coach was actually trying to wave her on to 2nd base.

Every day, we tend to look at life through a viewfinder. We become focused and zoom in on our tasks, schedules, errands, etc. What about the bigger picture? The other night, if I had remained focused on getting the kids to bed, I would have missed precious time sitting on the couch just talking to Maggie. Other times, I would have missed the sweet moments with Matt, right after she wakes up. I also would miss making Miller laugh instead of being a grump when waking him up in the morning.

So too it is with our prayer life. We often tend to place our viewfinder on one specific prayer request and zoom in on it. We become frustrated while waiting on God to answer this prayer the way WE want. How many of the (what we deem smaller) other answered prayers go unnoticed? We tend to miss the bigger picture.

I challenge you to move out from behind the viewfinder and view life as fully and completely as possible. Even more importantly, I challenge you to move out from that viewfinder and realize that God is answering your prayers. He does not always answer the way we prefer. Begin to look at the bigger picture and notice all of the prayers He does answer and stop zooming in waiting on the answer to that one specific request.

Bummed...

I have really bummed lately. I'm tired of not having anyone to spend time with, outside of my kids. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being with my kids, but having an adult to spend time with and to enjoy them with would be so wonderful. My best friend's mother-in-law recently passed away, and she has been out-of-town taking care of her mentally ill sister-in-law. Although we do not have a lot of time to spend together, her being out-of-town only contributes to my isolation.

We are in the midst of softball/baseball season. It gets so old sitting in the stands with all of the other parents. It is just another reminder of how alone I am. Don't get me wrong, I love this time of year and really, really enjoy watching my kids play. It is so gratifying to see their faces when they make a good play, get a good hit or score a run. The looks on their faces are priceless and fill my heart to overflowing. It would just be wonderful to have someone to share those moments with. The other parents on all three of their teams are absolutely wonderful. They are great about volunteering to help out whenever I need it. Still, being alone in a crowd really bites.

At present, I am in a disagreement with the ex. He wants me to pull both girls from their tournaments next weekend so he can spend "one-on-one" time with them. I cannot get him to understand how much they want him to be involved in what is important to them. In the 4 years Maggie has been playing, he has seen her play one game. I finally did get him to come in town and watch Matt in a tournament, while I was with Maggie at her tournament. I thought this was going to be a turning point. Especially after he was able to see the joy on Matt's face when she got a hit and scored a run. Apparentlly, it did not change anything. I think he just does not want to be bothered with running around getting them where they need to be in order for them to play. Personally, I think he is being extremely selfish and self-centered. All I hear from him is about what he thinks is important, not what the kids think is important. It is absolutely frustrating.

As I sit in the stands, game after game, I am reminded at what my kids are missing out on. They do not have a father that wants to see them play and be involved. How I wish they could have that... I want so much to give that to them. I want so much to have someone to share these special times with.

There are so many things I miss. I miss having someone ask me about my day. I miss having a "sounding board." I miss having someone wrap their arms around me and hold me when life seems overwhelming. I miss holding hands while watching a movie. I miss going out for dinner and having adult conversation. I hate sitting in church alone on the weekends the kids are with their Dad. I miss phone calls during the middle of the day just to say "Hi." I miss birthday cards, anniversay dinners, mother's day surprises and the other simple things that let me know I am loved.

I keep wondering when I will find that person. I pray constantly that God will send him my way, soon. There are times I wonder if I am going to spend the rest of my adult life single and raise my kis alone. I wish I had some insight into exactly what God's plans are for me. I know He knows what His plans are. I just wish He would clue me in.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future." Jer. 29:11

What????

So... I have a “whine” to blog about today. Recently, I saw where a couple I went to high school with is celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary. You have no clue as to how depressing that is for me. This is not the only couple. I know of several couples I graduated with that have been together since high school and are STILL married. Heck, my little brother and his wife have been married 12 years. They were also high school sweethearts. Personally all of this seriously bums me out and makes me want to puke!!! I did not even make it to my 7th wedding anniversary. Matt was only 5 months old when we separated. Four years later, and I’m a slightly overweight, underpaid, divorcee with a pre-packaged family. Not to mention the fact I will turn 40 in less than 4 months!!!! UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All this leaves me to wonder many things. What exactly is God’s plan for my life? The only portion I have figured out is being Mom to my wonderful kids. Or, is that the only plan? Does God have someone chosen for me? Or, am I going to remain single for the rest of my life? How come I have yet to find that person to be with for the rest of my life? Does that person truly exist? I thought I found him once, but we all know how that ended. If/when I do find that person, how will I know it is him? Questions, questions, questions…

For those of you that are married to “that person,” remember to be thankful. Remember to forgive, overlook the hard times, the arguments, disagreements, etc., and thank God for sending that person to you. You are truly blessed. There are those of us that truly wish we had what you have…

Random Ramblings...

It's been several weeks since I have had the opportunity to get on here, so I will just ramble a little bit.

Let's start with the kids. The other nite, Matt was about to get into the shower and told me "I need the air conditioner." Translation: She was about to wash her hair and needed conditioner to get rid of the tangles.

Miller a couple of teeth. I looked in his mouth and told him not to smile, he was gonna cost me a lot with an orthodontist. LOL Anyway, he lost another one, and told me: "I don't want to go to the otto-dentist. Translation: The thought of going to an orthodontist is not very appealing to him.

Matt and Maggie have already started softball. This season is going to be absolutely hilarious!!! I have a feeling that Matt (the family comedian) is going to give quite a performance out on the field. LOL Matt has practice on Mon & Weds and Maggie's is Mon, Tues & Thurs. Miller has baseball tryouts tonight. So, we will be adding his practice to the schedule soon. My Mom does the drop offs, and I do the picking up once I get off work. I'm considering painting the car yellow, slapping a "For Hire" sign on it and picking up fairs to earn extra spending money. LOL

Dating... Absolutely NOTHING to tell you in this category. LOL

Valentine's Day... I honestly believe this day is just an evil ploy to remind those of us that are single, that we have NO ONE to go out with, and will NOT be receiving one of those sweet, sappy cards from the store. Personally, I would like to shoot cupid in the a** with his own arrow. Either that, or use him as a target for target practice.

Things are going pretty well living at Mom's house. We have actually been getting along well. Presently, we are all fighting "the crud." Can someone tell me where that term came from? It sounds so "Bubba-ish." While we are on this subject, ponder this: If it is a nighttime cold/flu medication that is supposed to help you sleep, why do the directions say to take 2 every 4 hours??? If the nasal spray is supposed to last 12 hrs, how come I can no longer breath about 6 hrs after I have taken it?

More random things to ponder...
- Why put crispy fried chicken on a salad? Doesn't that ruin the "healthy" aspect of the salad?
- Why do they make "Jr." size bat bags??? The only difference between the big girls/boys equipment is a bat is longer and the helmet is a little larger around. I loathe having to arrange things "just so" in Maggie's bat-bag so the ding-dang thing will zip.
- Why do men play slow-pitch softball and little girls play fast-pitch??? Is this just more proof that men are whimps?
- Why does the Under Armor for little boys cost almost as much as it does for the men? It uses 1/2 the fabric.
- Why do Matt's XS pants/shirts cost as much as Maggie's mediums/larges? It is definitely 1/2 of the fabric.

More things I am learning as I get closer to the top of the hill...

I am more afraid of heights than I thought. I definitely prefer this side of hill.
After having 3 children, my bladder does not function like it once did. Coughing & sneezing are the enemies of my bladder.
Wrinkles are just “war wounds,” and No amount of wrinkle cream and moisturizer will help.
Grey hair will always look better on men than on women.
The older men get, the more distinguished they look. The older women get they begin to “show their age.” What’s wrong with this picture?
I cannot physically force my kids to fall asleep.
I do not need a lot of friends. I just need my best friend, and I so love her.
The relationships I have now are deeper than those I once had.
My mother is not near as stupid as I once thought.
You can still miss someone 10+ years after they pass away.
Presently, my children think I am the smartest, most wonderful Mom in the world. This will not be so in 3 years.
Sitting in a chair, behind a desk all day has a negative effect on one’s backside. When did they start making the bottoms of the chairs smaller???
40 is actually PAST middle-aged.
Having common sense is highly over-rated. It tends to take the fun out of life.
Geepers… I sure was a stupid teenager.
Being senile might have some advantages.
Senior moments are not just for “seniors.”
Sitting in a nursing home having someone care for every need might not be such a bad idea.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, GRAVITY IS THE ENEMY!!!!

A Little Humor, a little sadness...

Yesterday morning, there was a Baptism at church. As Matt sat on my lap, I realized this was the 1st time she had ever seen one. Well, after the boy was baptized, Matt turned and whispered in my ear: "Why did he take a bath?" I thought I was going to fall out of the pew. LOL Later on in the service, she looks at me and says: "Momma, do I look pity (pretty)?" That one came from out of the blue. LOL

Now onto the sadness. Mag is the type of child that doesn't usually verbalize her feelings and thoughts (that's why she sees a counselor). She tends to keep them all bottled up inside of her. Then, when one thing happens that upsets her, it sends her over the edge, and we have a meltdown. Well, last nite we had a meltdown. She wishes she could see her Daddy more. She also realized that he has only seen her play softball ONE time. She said, I need a Daddy. Then, she tells me she wants a Daddy - one that she sees everyday. One that will hug her everyday when he gets home. One who wants to see her everyday. What's sad is, I do not think it necessarily has to be HER Daddy. Just someone who wants to be her Daddy.

I know I often miss being held and hugged by a man, but I never realized she missed that, too. The thought never crossed my mind that my children miss being held, hugged and loved everyday by a father. It makes me sad that I got wrapped up in my own longings, that I did not see theirs. This is not the first time this issue has been brought up. I try to explain to Maggie that God has that perfect person chosen for us, and we have to wait until He is ready for him to come into our lives. Ironically, I expect a 9 1/2 year old to be patient, when my patience is wearing thin. LOL

So, the question is: "How do I help her?" I am completely clueless on this one... I try my best to be both Mommy and Daddy, but I know they need more. They want that real father-figure. I so wanted to tell her that she can call on God as her father, but I know she is wanting the physical presence and closeness. I just did not have even an inkling on how to deal with this issue. All I could do was hold her, comfort her and tell her how glad I am that God loaned her to me. After all, our children are simply "Angels on loan from God."