Bummed...

I have really bummed lately. I'm tired of not having anyone to spend time with, outside of my kids. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being with my kids, but having an adult to spend time with and to enjoy them with would be so wonderful. My best friend's mother-in-law recently passed away, and she has been out-of-town taking care of her mentally ill sister-in-law. Although we do not have a lot of time to spend together, her being out-of-town only contributes to my isolation.

We are in the midst of softball/baseball season. It gets so old sitting in the stands with all of the other parents. It is just another reminder of how alone I am. Don't get me wrong, I love this time of year and really, really enjoy watching my kids play. It is so gratifying to see their faces when they make a good play, get a good hit or score a run. The looks on their faces are priceless and fill my heart to overflowing. It would just be wonderful to have someone to share those moments with. The other parents on all three of their teams are absolutely wonderful. They are great about volunteering to help out whenever I need it. Still, being alone in a crowd really bites.

At present, I am in a disagreement with the ex. He wants me to pull both girls from their tournaments next weekend so he can spend "one-on-one" time with them. I cannot get him to understand how much they want him to be involved in what is important to them. In the 4 years Maggie has been playing, he has seen her play one game. I finally did get him to come in town and watch Matt in a tournament, while I was with Maggie at her tournament. I thought this was going to be a turning point. Especially after he was able to see the joy on Matt's face when she got a hit and scored a run. Apparentlly, it did not change anything. I think he just does not want to be bothered with running around getting them where they need to be in order for them to play. Personally, I think he is being extremely selfish and self-centered. All I hear from him is about what he thinks is important, not what the kids think is important. It is absolutely frustrating.

As I sit in the stands, game after game, I am reminded at what my kids are missing out on. They do not have a father that wants to see them play and be involved. How I wish they could have that... I want so much to give that to them. I want so much to have someone to share these special times with.

There are so many things I miss. I miss having someone ask me about my day. I miss having a "sounding board." I miss having someone wrap their arms around me and hold me when life seems overwhelming. I miss holding hands while watching a movie. I miss going out for dinner and having adult conversation. I hate sitting in church alone on the weekends the kids are with their Dad. I miss phone calls during the middle of the day just to say "Hi." I miss birthday cards, anniversay dinners, mother's day surprises and the other simple things that let me know I am loved.

I keep wondering when I will find that person. I pray constantly that God will send him my way, soon. There are times I wonder if I am going to spend the rest of my adult life single and raise my kis alone. I wish I had some insight into exactly what God's plans are for me. I know He knows what His plans are. I just wish He would clue me in.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future." Jer. 29:11