Today is a better day!

I find myself relieved that yesterday is over. I was in a "funk," and I couldn't figure out what started it, or why. I'm sure 99.99999% of it had to do with having to come to this job I absolutely HATE! I am ever so grateful to have a job, it would just be wonderful if it was a different one. LOL I am presently trying to find something better, preferably no longer in the legal field. I have gotten out of it twice before, and SWORE I would never go back. Well, here I am. LOL Third time's a charm??? Please pray that I will find something before I lose what sanity I have left.

Anyway! Onto a different subject... My kids... This morning, I'm calling Maggie, because I need to do something. This is the reply I receive: "Maggie's not in right now. Leave a message at the beep. 'Beep.'" It's times like this I am so proud. She is learning when and how to use the sarcastic wit I have taught her. LOL

The other day, I called Miller into the kitchen to take his medicine. He comes walking in with his finger in the air, trying to get that groove-thing going and says "I ain't gonna take my medicine." I did figure out one thing: "White boy ain't got no groove." I thought I was gonna crack up. Wednesday nite, when we were leaving church, he kept telling me to look up, it's shiny. I finally figured out he was talking about how the sun was behind the clouds, and the rays were shining around them. His reasoning: "I think God is having a party, or Jesus." I thought it was hilarious & sweet at the same time.

Matt has been on a roll, too. However, she has not been so funny lately. She's just downright M-E-A-N!!!! If she sees it and wants it, she decides she should have it. She will hit, bite, kick, etc., in an effort to obtain the desired object. For those of you at my church, do NOT let this cuteness full you... She is an angel with horns. LOL

Isolation...

Where to begin??? I love my children, and I do not regret being a single Mom. The circumstances of how I became a single Mom were beyond my control. When I married my ex-husband, never, and I mean NEVER, did I imagine ending up "here." I loved being married - the companionship, being with my best friend, having that constant confidant. Unfortunately, it is what it is, and there is nothing I can do about it. I just did not know the absolute isolation this life would bring.

I go home every evening, and I get the kids fed, bathed and in the beds. Once they are asleep, an eery calm comes over the house. I am alone - alone and lonesome. Alone with my emotions, my fears, my stress. Lonesome for someone to talk to, to share my day with, to just be with. The silence can become deafening.

At work, I arrive at the office in the morning, and I am alone. Heck, I'm alone even when the boss-man arrives. He only speaks to me when absolutely necessary. If he's out of the office, it gets as quiet around here as it does in the evenings, after the kids are asleep. I do not get a lunch break, so I am unable to visit with friends during that time.

I absolutely hate the weekends when the kids are with their Dad. The minute they walk out the door, the house goes into a coma. I am left alone, for the entire weekend. Due to the isolation, it is almost impossible to maintain friendships, other than the one with my best friend of 25 years. She is married, taking care of her in-laws, and we generally keep in contact via e-mail. I go no where, I hang out with no one, other than my mother. So, I just piddle around the house and watch TV or get on the computer.

I do look forward to going to church and visiting with people there, but I feel socially inept. I feel as if I no longer have social skills. I get so happy to be around people, that I feel I am often a little overbearing, talking too much. So, then I go into the mode where I barely speak. I have trouble finding that "happy medium."

There is only one time of day I enjoy the quiet and isolation, and that is in the early morning, when it's still dark and the kids are still asleep. I read my Bible and I pray. I pray for my kids, my Mom, my church, for the man God has chosen for me (does this man really exist?) and for wisdom, among many other things. Sometimes, I feel God is my only friend, and I can speak to Him for long periods of time. I know He should be all I need. It's just hard to let Him.

How do I overcome the isolation? Will I ever get used to it? How do I make and maintain new friendships? How do I allow God to become "enough?"

It's Miller Time!

And, no, I do not mean the beer. LOL

Today, I will share a few things about Miller, aka Wild Man, linguine, noodle, bear, Grumpaw (that's my fave). Miller is my only boy, and a HUGE Momma's boy. He is my comforter, wiper of my tears, favorite man in my life. He is also the grumpiest little man I have ever met, hince the nickname "Grumpaw." I have never seen a little boy that can gripe and complain about everything. LOL In his mind, he has pre-determined the way things should be. God help anyone who distorts this. LOL Other things that make him grumpy: Interrupting his videogame to make him do chores, sleep, eat, etc. Touching his videogame while it is on pause.

As for the nickname "Linguine," this one came about one morning when I went in to wake him. He was sleeping on his stomach, in just his boxers. For those of you that know him, he is skinny, and pasty white. The boy doesn't tan, he just gets a darker shade of pale. Anyway, I look down at his long, skinny, white body, and the first thing I am reminded of his linguine - long, flat and skinny. That was the perfect description of Miller.

Although he is quite grumpy, he can also make me laugh. This morning, he was messing around with Prissie's dog toy and making it squeak. He looks at me and says "I'm not farting. I'm squeezing her toy." I thought I was gonna fall over.

Miller has ADHD, with an emphasis on the "H." He is extremely hyper, prior to taking his medicine. He wakes up "wide open." He has this noise he makes that can only be described as "Whoop, whoop." Anyone that ever visited Astroworld in its prime, will recall the siren that went off prior to every drop of the Skyscreamer. That is exactly what it sounds like. There are various other noises, but there are no descriptive sounds/words for them. LOL Put it this way, I once purchased him a t-shirt that read "Wanna Hear My Special Effects?" That's definitely Miller. LOL

They crack me up!

So, for those of you that do not know me, I have quite the reputation as a smart a**. LOL I'm not sure how often I even say anything serious. Generally, if it comes out of my mouth, it should be taken with a grain of salt. LOL

As I tend to pick on my kids, quite a bit, they have picked up on my sarcasm. The other day, when joking around, the 4 y/o called me a nerd. I'll tell the oldest one something, and she says "Ya think?"

Anyway, I have this bad habit of singing portions of songs, or using quotes out of movies or commercials, in conversation. I do not quote them, I use them appropriately in conversation. Even I think it's quite annoying. LOL This afternoon I as singing a portion of "Some Enchanted Evening," from "South Pacific," I come to the part "...when I find my true love," and Maggie says: "which will probably be never!" I have taught her well. LOL

Blog Help!

As I am a novice to this, I could use a little help.

(1) How do I search for blogs posted by friends?
(2) How do I add a friend's blog link to my blog list?
(3) How in the heck do I get those pictures at the bottom of my blog a little bit smaller?!!??

I really am quite computer savvy, but I just can't quite wrap my brain around this one. LOL

Any other advice/hints/tips will be greatly appreciated!

Blah, blah, blah...

So, today is one of my days where I am in a "funk." I hate this feeling. I'm not happy, but I'm not sad, either. I just feel rather indifferent. It's an awful feeling.

Have you ever felt "stuck" in a situation? That's where I am presently. I am stuck in a situation, that I have NO idea how to get out of. I'm tired of living on government assistance. I'm tired of not having health insurance, I'm tired of barely, if at all, being able to pay bills, I'm tired of feeling like a failure. This time, 4 yrs ago, things were rather stable. My youngest was only 8 wks old, I had a fantastic home, a big car and a family that was complete. Who would have thought that 4 yrs later, I would be living off HUD, have a car that I continually pray will hang in there for another 50K miles and be a single Mom? Even after all this time, I still ask myself how I got "here." How did this happen? I know this all sounds so materialistic, but I miss parts of "that" life. You have NO idea how tired I am of hearing "God doesn't give us more than we can handle." If one more person tells me that, I'm gonna lose it. LOL

I know God has allowed all of this to happen to us. I am also intelligent enough to know that He has a reason. I do not question why me, but more of "What's the purpose?" What is He trying to show me? There are sooooo many things I would like to do with my life. I just want to do what God wants. My big question is "How do I discern His will from my will?" That is a question that constantly runs through my mind - discernment. I do not want to let Him down again. I want to, and must, do His will.

I often feel anticipation for what he has planned for me. It's kind of like when you were a kid, and you were all excited about a trip, or your birthday. Then, there are other days when I just want to throw up my hands and give up. As I write this, I realize that it is quite possible that I should throw up my hands in complete surrender to Him.

It's the Weekend!!!!

Well, I hope this finds everyone enjoying their weekend. I, on the other hand, spent the majority of my day asleep. LOL I am the resident insomniac. I do not sleep much most nights. I generally wake up at least once an hour. Since the kids are gone, I decided to take something with the hope that I might get a better night of sleep. Well, it sort of worked. I still woke up a couple of times, but I went into a coma around 6:00 this morning. I woke, looked at my watch, and thought it said 9:00. Well, it was 11:45. When not wearing your glasses, 11:45 resembles 9:00. LOL I still could not stay awake, so I went back to sleep, until around 4:00. At least I had a chance to relax.

After my last post, I was able to find the good in the situation of the rent increase. At least it will not start until AFTER my car is paid off. That is about the only good thing I can come up with. If anyone else can come up with something, PLEASE, let m know.

As I said before, my kids are gone for the weekend. So, what do I do when they are gone. I sit around and mope because they are not here! I know, it's sad... LOL Since I don't drink, I don't go out and I do not get the chance to meet anyone, I have nothing to do when they are gone. The highlight of my weekend is getting to sleep in, and the option of not getting up early for church on Sunday, which I'm sure God does not appreciate. It's gotten to be a habit that needs to stop. LOL

I guess I will take the time to tell you about my "parenting style." It is not your typical, traditional style of parenting. I absolutely ADORE my children, with every fiber of my being. I am constantly telling them how much I love them and how glad I am to have them. However, that's where the traditional stuff ends. I am not a coddler. I do not believe in running to my children whenever they get hurt. My philosophy is that if there is no blood, no broken bones, nothing protruding out of skin and no vomit, they will survive. Also, I do not believe in whining. We have a saying around my house, that my kids often quote with me: "This is a whine-free zone. There will be no whining, no pouting, no crying, not pitching of fits. This is A WHINE-FREE ZONE." They still whine... You will often here me call my oldest child Blondie, retard, dork, knucklehead, etc. However, it is said with all the love in the world. I cannot tell you how many nicknames I have for this kid. LOL She loves it, and thinks it is funny.

I like to refer to my son as Grump-paw. However, he does not think it is funny. LOL He is the grumpiest little man in the entire world. LOL He prefers to be called noodle or linguine. He is the skinniest, whitest child I have ever seen.

My youngest often is referred to as Monkey or Midget. She has been the smallest of all three of my kids. She is also the most stubborn, independent, hard-headed child, and I have no idea where it came from. She can also be the meanest. LOL

That's just a little about our family. I'm sure you will be hearing more, later.