Isolation...

Where to begin??? I love my children, and I do not regret being a single Mom. The circumstances of how I became a single Mom were beyond my control. When I married my ex-husband, never, and I mean NEVER, did I imagine ending up "here." I loved being married - the companionship, being with my best friend, having that constant confidant. Unfortunately, it is what it is, and there is nothing I can do about it. I just did not know the absolute isolation this life would bring.

I go home every evening, and I get the kids fed, bathed and in the beds. Once they are asleep, an eery calm comes over the house. I am alone - alone and lonesome. Alone with my emotions, my fears, my stress. Lonesome for someone to talk to, to share my day with, to just be with. The silence can become deafening.

At work, I arrive at the office in the morning, and I am alone. Heck, I'm alone even when the boss-man arrives. He only speaks to me when absolutely necessary. If he's out of the office, it gets as quiet around here as it does in the evenings, after the kids are asleep. I do not get a lunch break, so I am unable to visit with friends during that time.

I absolutely hate the weekends when the kids are with their Dad. The minute they walk out the door, the house goes into a coma. I am left alone, for the entire weekend. Due to the isolation, it is almost impossible to maintain friendships, other than the one with my best friend of 25 years. She is married, taking care of her in-laws, and we generally keep in contact via e-mail. I go no where, I hang out with no one, other than my mother. So, I just piddle around the house and watch TV or get on the computer.

I do look forward to going to church and visiting with people there, but I feel socially inept. I feel as if I no longer have social skills. I get so happy to be around people, that I feel I am often a little overbearing, talking too much. So, then I go into the mode where I barely speak. I have trouble finding that "happy medium."

There is only one time of day I enjoy the quiet and isolation, and that is in the early morning, when it's still dark and the kids are still asleep. I read my Bible and I pray. I pray for my kids, my Mom, my church, for the man God has chosen for me (does this man really exist?) and for wisdom, among many other things. Sometimes, I feel God is my only friend, and I can speak to Him for long periods of time. I know He should be all I need. It's just hard to let Him.

How do I overcome the isolation? Will I ever get used to it? How do I make and maintain new friendships? How do I allow God to become "enough?"