My aching heart...

Before becoming a mother, I once heard it said that your children are your heart running around outside of your body. I never knew how true this saying would be.

I’ve been in a funk since Saturday. A friend of ours took me and the kids shopping and bought their backpacks, Maggie a pair of shoes, and each of them a new shirt. For the sake of my kids, I am having to learn to suck it up and let people help, when they offer. Anyway, Maggie and I were looking at some clothes in her department. She keeps pointing out some really cute stuff and asking if she can get it. Of course my answer is the resounding “I just can’t do it right now.” A few minutes later as we were returning from the restroom, she asks me “Momma, why do other people get to have what they want, and we always have to get what is cheapest?” How in the heck do you answer that? The look on her face said it all… Last Sunday at church, Miller had gotten this little card from Sunday School that said pray for the poor, or something like that. He points to it and says “That’s us.” Plus, during another conversation, when Maggie asked if everyone was poor, Miller replied, “No, just us.” My heart is broken… I do not want to give them the cliché “But, we have each other.” A 9 y/o and a 7 y/o do not truly understand what that means.

You know how when you see people at church, they generically ask "How are you?" "How are things going?", etc.? Do you ever wonder if they mean that sincerely? Do they really want to know how things are going, or is that just their manner of saying "Hello?" I am that type of person who tries her best to put on that "happy, go lucky," exterior for everyone. So, when posed any of the above, I smile and say things are going good or great. It is my feeling that people, more than likely, do not want to hear that my life bites, I feel like white trash, I feel as if my world continues to fall down around me, I hate not being able to provide better for my kids, etc. Therefore, I tell them what they want to hear.

I'm sure those of you that read this probably question whether I suffer from depression. The answer to that question would be "Yes, I do." "I am medicated, and everyday when I look at how many pills I take for it, I am amazed that I am not flittering around smiling and laughing incessantly. To answer another question - No, I generally do not show my kids this side of me. 95% of the time, they see the happy go lucky, sarcastic, goofy Mom. That is what they need from me. So, that is what I give them. They need to see me being positive about our situation. That way, they will have the best attitude possible.

I know that God is there. I know he sees my pain. I know there is a purpose for my pain. I just wish God would reveal his plans for me. I am one of those people who needs definite plans. I do not deal well with maybe, possibly, etc. I need to know for sure. So, the fact that I have no idea what I am supposed to do, is playing on what little sanity I have.