Empty...

The house feels soooo empty this morning - no movement, no joy, only silence. That is pretty much how my heart feels, as well. No joy, only mourning and silence. Matt left her TV on yesterday morning, and I cannot bring myself to turn it off. Her breakfast plate is still on the counter where she left it, and I cannot bring myself to clean it up. Miller still uses his "security blankets." They are still here, and I can't seem to let them out of my site.

I need to be packing the house, but cannot bring myself to move any of their stuff. If I leave things as they left them, I can almost picture them just leaving it there. Plus, when they come home, I want everything right where they left it.

Everyone keeps telling me to try to think of this as their weekend with their Dad, but it's just not possible. I know they will not be home tomorrow afternoon. I know I will be going to sleep in the house, alone, for the next four nights. How do I function, when everything about my day, actually my life, revolves around them? I truly do not know what to do with myself. I don't know how to just take care of me. For 9 1/2 years, I have not taken care of just me.

I miss them so much. I feel so helpless. It's as if I could crawl out of my skin because I do not know what else to do. I want to scream!!!! My arms are so empty. I long to hold them and hear their sweet voices. I want them home!!!!

The hearing is Wednesday morning, at 8:30 a.m. That seems eons away from today... I want to make up for all of the lost hugs and kisses from the last few days. Once they are home, how do I ever let them out of my sight again?