Frustrated, Angry, Mad, etc...

For the last couple of days, I have been in one of my "moods." I'm just fed up with life in general.

I did not get paid for any of the "hurrication." I did file for the emergency unemployment, and will be compensated in the amount of $155/wk. Gee... That's a little less than 1/2 of my weekly pay. That's gonna go really far. NOT! My paycheck for this week was a net of $116, since I didn't return to work until Thursday, when the kids went back to school. My ex is only planning on paying me $150 for child support for this month. I do not have money for rent, utilities, etc., for this month. Miller's b-day was Thursday, and I couldn't even afford to get him anything. I was able to send cupcakes to school and get him a cake - Thanks Food Stamps. It's amazing, food stamps pay for candy, sodas, cakes and any other kind of junk food, but not for necessities, such as toilet paper, toothpaste and other toiletries.

Today, my gorgeous 9 y/o is at a birthday party for one of her best friends. She was soooo excited! They were riding to Houston, via a Ford Excursion Limousine, and going to Dave & Busters. I got her all dolled up - curled her hair, put on some sparkly eye shadow, perfume, jewelry. She looked fabulous - I was amazed I was able to improve upon utter perfection. So, I take her to her friend's house, which is absolutely beautiful from the outside. I have been there before, but have never really looked around. Her friend's little brother's nursery is beautiful, her friend has a precious room that any pre-teen would love. She also has her own bathroom, and another room with a larger bed and larger TV, for when she has friend's over. At the end of the hall, you go up a set of stairs, and there is literally a miniature movie theater. Two small rows of stadium seating and a screen that takes up an entire wall. I was floored!!!

On my way home, I begin pondering things. I absolutely ADORE my children, and want nothing more than to provide them with a wonderful life. I kept thinking about her friend's room and the fact I could never provide my kids with something so nice. I looked at all of her friends and the cute clothes they were wearing, and then thought of my beautiful daughter in her payless shoes, hand-me-down pants and Wal-Mart shirt. I know this is all material stuff, but it just seems to re-enforce the fact that life is such a struggle for us. I admit that I do get jealous. I'm not so much jealous of all the material possessions of friends and family, but from the fact they can provide the necessities for their kids. I can't even afford to provide a roof over my kids' head, nor feed them, without government assistance.

Some other issues that have placed me teetering on the edge are the theft of some things around my house. A friend of mine that lives in an apartment had his bike stored in my garage. Well, it went missing this past weekend. Monday, during broad daylight, while we were at my Mom's, someone walked into our garage and stole one of the kids bikes we received through the Reaud Foundation last year. Then, I get home yesterday, and someone had taken the Little Tykes playground from our back yard. The playground was not that big a deal, just the principle of it. The bike was HUGE. We received it though a wonderful charity last Christmas, and it was something I definitely cannot afford to replace. It's all so frustrating.

At what point will all of this ease up? When will things become easier? I do NOT need a lot of money or a fancy house. I just want to provide a better life for my kids. I just want them to have a few of the things they want, and a nicer home. The only way I have found I can do that is to move back in with my mother. I appreciate her generosity, but feel like I am admitting defeat. However, as I can come up with no other idea to make things better for them, I have no choice. God has entrusted them in my care, and I can't provide for them worth a flip! I have failed him, as well as the kids...

There is so much more to all of this. This is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. So, if any of yo have any suggestions on how to make things better in my life, I am soooo open to hearing them.