Blah, blah, blah...

So, today is one of my days where I am in a "funk." I hate this feeling. I'm not happy, but I'm not sad, either. I just feel rather indifferent. It's an awful feeling.

Have you ever felt "stuck" in a situation? That's where I am presently. I am stuck in a situation, that I have NO idea how to get out of. I'm tired of living on government assistance. I'm tired of not having health insurance, I'm tired of barely, if at all, being able to pay bills, I'm tired of feeling like a failure. This time, 4 yrs ago, things were rather stable. My youngest was only 8 wks old, I had a fantastic home, a big car and a family that was complete. Who would have thought that 4 yrs later, I would be living off HUD, have a car that I continually pray will hang in there for another 50K miles and be a single Mom? Even after all this time, I still ask myself how I got "here." How did this happen? I know this all sounds so materialistic, but I miss parts of "that" life. You have NO idea how tired I am of hearing "God doesn't give us more than we can handle." If one more person tells me that, I'm gonna lose it. LOL

I know God has allowed all of this to happen to us. I am also intelligent enough to know that He has a reason. I do not question why me, but more of "What's the purpose?" What is He trying to show me? There are sooooo many things I would like to do with my life. I just want to do what God wants. My big question is "How do I discern His will from my will?" That is a question that constantly runs through my mind - discernment. I do not want to let Him down again. I want to, and must, do His will.

I often feel anticipation for what he has planned for me. It's kind of like when you were a kid, and you were all excited about a trip, or your birthday. Then, there are other days when I just want to throw up my hands and give up. As I write this, I realize that it is quite possible that I should throw up my hands in complete surrender to Him.